Chapter 1 - Part 1

PVO FIL

The day my mother died, so did the hope that I would one day find the woman who would share her life with me.

Mariana Rivas was a great woman, and there will never be another like her in this life, because she was one of those rare people who did not care about physical appearance, but about what was inside. It was her kind soul that allowed my father, Filomeno Cruz, to find happiness when he thought it would never come because of how old and ugly he was. A poor and rather unattractive janitor managed to better himself so he could return the love my mother had given him. His efforts paid off, and together with her, he built the small empire that my brothers and I now enjoy.

Cruz Rivas is the legacy our parents left to us. What began as a small shop at the university my mother attended in her youth eventually became five more stores in different parts of the country, and I, as a good student of my mother, have just increased the company's assets, and today it is on par with Rivas, the most famous company in my mother's hometown, owned by my maternal grandfather.

I currently manage not only my brothers' stores, but I am also responsible for supplying them through a foreign company with which I reached an agreement after purchasing a portion of its shares. I am practically a major shareholder, with a 45% stake in the company.

I feel very proud of my accomplishments, and I know my parents would be proud of me if they were still alive.

Unfortunately, we can't have everything in life.

At fifty years old, I am still single and a virgin. My physical appearance isn't as bad as my father's was at my age; however, I am not a handsome man either. In fact, after so many sleepless nights because of the business, I look older and more worn-out than any of my other brothers. But if that weren't bad enough, the reason I am still a virgin is that, in my youth, I was rejected four times when I was about to have sex.

The size of my penis is a cursed inheritance from my father, and of his four sons, I am the one with a much greater girth. Instead of seeming attractive to women, it drives them away.

The last time I tried to have sex was a few days ago. The girl was willing, but her kisses and caresses had aroused me so much that my erection was much larger than it had been the previous times. Just as I was about to start putting it inside her vagina, she pushed me away and confessed that Armando, my brother, had paid her to be my first sexual partner, but that after seeing how monstrous my penis was, there was no way she was going to risk getting hurt.

The humiliation I felt was too much for my mental health to bear, and I decided never to try being with anyone again.

I remember that when I got home, Armando was there with his wife, and without caring about anything else, I confronted him about his cruel joke. Anger took over to an unimaginable degree, and I threw him against the wall, but his wife stepped between us and told me they had done it to help me stop being alone.

Her words shattered the last trace of my pride as a man, and for the first time, I got drunk.

Alone in my office with the bottle in my hand, I begin to analyze my pathetic life.

Three years ago, two of my brothers had already left me behind in terms of being single. They got married the same year my mother died, and luckily for them, their wives are not only beautiful but also kind. It almost seems as though my mother sent them to my brothers from heaven.

Seeing how happy they are makes me feel miserable.

Armando was forty-four when he met Emilia, whom he is only ten years older than. Ernesto was forty-one, and his wife, Sandra, was thirty-five.

The youth of their wives gave them the opportunity to have children almost immediately after getting married. Armando has three boys, Ernesto has two, and his wife is expecting a daughter.

Being my father's sons, we are all supposed to carry the burden of his problem with the size of his sexual organ, but in my three brothers, the girth is not as excessive as mine, and they have been able to have sex without hurting their partners. Gerardo even beat me to it in that regard, despite being the youngest.

The sound of the door pulls me out of my thoughts, and I see Gerardo come in with an envelope in his hand.

I turn my face away because I don't feel like talking, making it clear with a grimace, but the fool completely ignores it and sits down in front of the desk where I am.

“The Cruz family never drinks,” he says in a reproachful tone that I decide to ignore as I take a long swig from the bottle. “Fil, if our parents were alive, they would be very disappointed in what you’re doing.”

“How can you know that our father would be disappointed if you never even knew him?”

Gerardo's face fell at my words, and I felt bad for saying such a foolish thing to him.

“Brother, forgive me! I didn't mean to say that.”

“Fil, of all of us, I am the only one who never had the chance to know our father, but you're forgetting that my mother always told me about her life with him. She was happy to remember him, and although she would end up crying every time she told me about him, I never felt I had the right to stop her from talking about the man who was the love of her life. Being the youngest gave me the chance to stay by her side through those difficult years, and I understood that even though you all saw her as strong on the outside, she was already dead inside. And the day she took her last breath, what she felt was happiness because she would be reunited with Dad.”

“You definitely knew her better than any of us, and I see that you also got to know Dad through her.” I put the cap back on the bottle and set it aside. “You're right. Neither of them would be happy to see me like this.”

“I'm glad you understand.” He smiled warmly at me, and I thought he had inherited Mom's smile. “Now that you're calmer, I want to let you know that I'm marrying Sofía next week.”

“So soon? You’ve only known her for a year.” A discomfort in my chest made me realize that the news wasn’t very good for me.

“I know, but she’s just as loving and sweet as our mother. If I let her go, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

“If she’s as good as you say, then congratulations.” My tone wasn't exactly cheerful, but it seems Gerardo didn't notice.

“Thanks, brother! And now you'll have to excuse me, but I'm going to travel to the town where Angélica lives, and since it's very far away, I have to leave early.” He stood up and handed me the envelope, which I assume is the invitation to his wedding. “Take care!”

Reluctantly, I take the envelope, and when Gerardo leaves the office, I toss it into the tray of papers I never read.

I know I should feel happy for him, but I can't help feeling envious and angry. With Gerardo's wedding, my misfortune will be even greater, since I will be the only one in the entire family who will never know what it is like to be loved, much less have the joy of leaving a child behind.

“You lied, Mom. No one will ever love a freak like me, especially at my age.”

My misery is unbearable, and although Gerardo is right that my parents would be disappointed if they saw me getting drunk, I open the bottle and drink all of its contents.

The tears of a loser that stream from my eyes are another trait I inherited from my father, and I hate myself for being so sentimental.

Dejected, I throw the bottle, and it shatters into a thousand pieces.